"It's weird, like, you can see the cruelest part of the world, the cruelest part. But then on the other side, you see the most beautiful part. Do ya know? It's like you go from one extreme to the next. And they're both worth it because you wouldn't see the one without the other one. But that cruel part is damn cruel and you'll never forget it. But that heaven is heaven. So it's like I've been to both places."
One day I will write a really good book. Until then I have Tumblr.
So I suppose this is the obligatory “Newly Single” post, and although I feel like I should be like this…
Or even like this..
I’m just kind of like this..
After being with someone for four years you learn to make exceptions. It suddenly becomes okay to be kept secret for a year and a half because he loves you and that is what is important. It doesn’t matter that he isn’t out of the closet and can’t hold your hand in public because he isn’t comfortable with himself or your relationship.
We’ll wait three years for you to figure out what should be obvious.
It no longer makes any difference that he is twenty-seven and living at home with his parents…
But you make exceptions. You spend your time waiting, hoping that things are going to get better. Ignoring everything that this other person does that makes you feel less than mentally, emotionally, spiritually, because more than likely you probably are… I mean they are perfect. They love you, they didn’t have a fucked up childhood, and they surely never cheated.
You make sacrifices and change your beliefs to accommodate the needs of another person because that is what every Disney movie ever has taught you to do. All the time hoping that this other person is appreciating all of the sacrifices that you are making.
But they don’t. They are completely unaware of how they stifle every bit of fire and passion and energy that you had for life, and then one day, out of nowhere, that’s it.
The days you spent waiting for that person to give you what you desperately, beggingly wanted no longer matter. The hopes of the fairy tale relationship abruptly fade away.
The years of chipping away at your very being suddenly give way to full scale crackdown. What you needed isn’t important because they aren’t happy, and I’m pretty sure someone, somewhere told me that if your man isn’t happy then you must be doing something wrong.
I would love to say that I was happy and for the most part I was. I was truly committed to the white picket fence. But instead of following my heart and doing something that made me really happy, I just did it for the idea of everything. But..
I am the first one to admit that I’m not perfect but I can rest my head at night knowing that I entered this relationship in 100% honesty. I have been the same person consistently, throughout. I have been honest in all my faults and owned, learned, and changed accordingly to meet the demands of a “relationship.” However there is only so much one person can do.
and once you start to believe it there is no recovering. I was optimistic to think that people are programmed for forgiveness, but I no longer think that true. At some point disdain grows to such a level that there is no room for recovery. The smallest things become monumental, catastrophic arguments.
And then at some point it’s just like…
and I think that is where I am right now. I honestly feel like I tried everything that I could to make this relationship work and it didn’t. It is unfortunate, but it isn’t going to change. So I guess I do what I have to do and I move on. Remembering that life is beautiful and so am I.
I was a pretty cool chick, and I’m really not that way anymore. It may take me a while to get back my swagger, but I have been through this before. I know that I can handle anything and as I move on I’m going to have to because at the end of the day I only have myself.
I need to get back to a place where I am happy with the person looking back at me in the mirror. I need to learn to love myself again and not try to be something or somebody to someone else because…
Can I get an Amen?
To whom it may concern,
I have been thinking a lot lately about where I am in life and where I thought I might be. The fact is I struggle more and more every day with how I have let my life become.
Every day is like Groundhog Day. I do the same things over and over again, never really enjoying any of it. Sure I smile and I look happy because you aren’t supposed to let people know these things, but inside I’m sad.
I grew up in a household where my opinions weren’t valued. I was treated more as an object than a person. I was good for chores and free labor more than I was appreciated as an individual. Being strong willed as I am I try to act like this had no effect on me but honestly it probably has more to do with any of my issues than any other factor. It hurts me so much to know that I have a whole family less than an hour away and I haven’t really talked to them in probably a year. In fact this year our Happy Birthday wishes were sent via text. To say that it is dysfunctional would be an understatement.
Family is probably the number one important thing to me. Maybe it’s a combination of feeling like I didn’t get the attention I needed from my own as a child or just that Disney Movie fantasy I have in my head but I could really use mine right now.
I feel so alone.
In this last year I have lost so much and I thought I would be so much further than where I am right now. It has officially been one year since I lost the love of my life and this whole moving on thing isn’t exactly working out.
There was a time where I felt like maybe I was back on track. I started at USF, I got a promotion at work, and I made some friends… So why do I feel like I’m still inadequate.
Anyone who knows me can attest that I am very attention seeking. I think it is easier for me to be outrageous or ridiculous because if people are paying attention to how silly I am they may not notice how depressed I am on the inside. And maybe, just maybe, if I act happy enough, for long enough, and make everyone else believe it… I might start to believe it as well.
But my mugging for attention is really starting to affect me in a negative way.
I am so desperate to find that feeling again, the feeling of being wanted, and needed, and appreciated that I began doing anything that I could just to get a moments attention from anyone that would have me.
I don’t believe in regrets but I do wish that I was better equipped to handle this because jumping from bed to bed surely isn’t getting me there.
At the end of the night, I end up home, alone, thinking about you.
But with each new friendship and each new failure I feel further and further away from the person I thought I would become. From the person I promised you I would be. From the person I was promised I could be.
Everytime I try to fly I fall. Without My wings I feel so small. I guess I need you baby.
Officially doing a 14-Day cleanse and starting P90X again on Monday. It’s time that I get my shit together and make some changes. #IReallyWannaLose3Lbs #BeingProactive
Another day, another DRAMA. This week has seriously been a crazy, stressful week from hell. I purposefully put off writing about it as it was happening because I didn’t want to write a long sad, angry post about how Godney is punishing me for the crimes of my ancestors. #SlaveryIsn’tFunny
Fortunately now that things have calmed down, I can see that it happened to be one of those blessing in disguise type deals. But it certainly sucked majorly at the time.
So in accordance with the laws of the universe all of my problems started by trying to help out some one else. Selfishness>Selflessness
This guy came into my restaurant in need of a jump so of course I jumped at the chance to offer my services. He looked kind of like Christian Bale so I considered it my Christian duty to help him. So anyways, after he had thanked me like a million times for helping him, I had finally moved my car close enough to his that we could connect the jumper cables, mind you it was raining so I’m not exactly sure how safe that was to start with, and I get out of my car jumper cables in hand, hook them to the car and go to get back in to rev the engine and sure enough.. Guess who had locked the door before they got out of the car? In the rain, car still running, with the only spare a good 45 minutes away, and an entire restaurant waiting for me back inside.. #BlondeMoment
It ended up costing me $65 dollars, an hour and a half, and 1/4 of a tank of gas waiting for the locksmith who opened my door in all of three seconds. Legit. I guess my shit was easily broken into.. #YouThink?
I say “was” easily broken into because my car is now easily recycled and you will probably find peices, pieces, pieces of it in your next Pepsi can. #AshleySimpson
- - - - -
This last Tuesday night I was driving home from work and I was in a car accident.
Black people should not drive at night. #Jussayin Seriously though, this guy should not have been driving. So the accident happened like this. I’m driving down the road, I’m in the left lane, Green Light, There are two cars waiting in the median right after the light… The first cars pulls out in front of me, plenty of space, the second car waits, decides they want to go, floors the gas, not nearly enough space, realizes they are an idiot, stops in the middle of the road, I slam on my breaks, they try to reverse?? #WTF, I swerve to the right, barely missing the car that was in the lane next to me in an attempt to avoid fully smashing into the back of their car, end up side swiping their door and end up in the grass on the opposite side of the road.
Since this was my first accident I had no idea what to do. I panicked. I called the first person that came to mind and they didn’t answer the phone… I just shut down. It was definitely this guys fault but I was nervous because I wasn’t sure that my registration was still valid so I didn’t get a police report.
But this guy was actually super nice about the incident. He gave me his name and his number and I think he called me about five times that night to make sure that everything was okay.
Regardless of how nice he was it didn’t change the fact that my car was now totalled. There was no way that I was going to be able to fix it…
So after I managed to get my car home I completely shut down. I turned off my phone, I started a bubble bath and just to prove how serious I was I deactivated my Facebook for good measure. #ShitGotSerious
Not having a car was a big deal. No car meant that I couldn’t get to work and that was NOT okay. I am in training for a new position still and there is no way that they were going to work with me. My current store was 40 minutes away and I was getting ready to be moved to another store about five minutes from there. You show up or you ship out. Also with school just starting I had my internship to worry about. If I couldn’t get to these elementary schools I was going to have to drop out of classes which would mean that I couldn’t take classes again until next fall, so bye-bye scholarship. The bus was NOT an option!
So after I threw myself my mini pity party I realized that I was being way dramatic and of course I reactivated my facebook from my phone in the bath tub before I had even gotten out. #WhoAreWeTalkingAboutRightNow? From here this is where I just got #Lucky.
He admitted he was at fault to the insurance company and everything kind of magically worked out. I am now driving a super sexy Dodge Caliber on loan for at least another week which is long enough to get me to work until they transfer me to a store that is only ten minutes driving distance from my house. Literally I can ride my bike there. Also because my car was totaled I will be receiving a big fat check to help me shop away the pain.
“I choose to be a Happy Person”- Britney Spears
It’s not just a mantra it is a way of life. Sometimes life gives you trouble but there ain’t nothing wrong with a little bit of Tro-uble trouble. Keep positive and things will get better.
Okay so to anyone who knows me it is no surprise that I am a big attention seeking stalker. Let’s call it like it is. And to those of you who don’t know me in the real world, that was your heads up. Turn back now or forever want a piece of me.
So after reading like the 50th post from anywaysbritney I decided I should probably start my own tumblr and share with the world my unique perception. And by unique perception I mean my absolutely stereotypical gay, single, 22 year old observations and critiques of celebrities, places, and things that I will never actually know anything about in real life. But that’s okay because the internet is like “Girl World,” and Girl World has a lot of rules. #OnWednesdaysWeWearPink
Besides What else was I going to do with all of my free time? I could tell people were getting tired of my constant Facebook statuses but I couldn’t help myself. It just kept coming out, like word vomit.
So hopefully I am half as interesting as I imagine I am in my head and all of the boys and all of the girls will be begging to if you seek Amy. I am going to do my absolute best to update this as regularly as possible so follow me. Feel free to Ask me anything. My life is an open book. “A Good, Mysterious Book.”